Unmanifested

We can talk more on it later
you say
I have a million questions, but I won’t
free that beast
Self-Doubt,
haunting the edges of every thought.

Things like
Was I supposed to text you if you didn’t text me more?
Was watching for you to send me images of your life
like you said but never did

Wrong?

If I had been softer in my responses
perhaps you wouldn’t have
torn a hole in the fabric of my affection
when I wanted to hug you, but I could not over text
and you called me “sagacious”

you entered my dance, my soul
I found a place to sing
in a direction you had pointed me
you’d prefer to do it
as friends for now
How can I be your friend only?
take away my heart so I can stop feeling

Thanks for being clear with me
because while perhaps you were waiting for me to text
I was waiting for you to show interest
ambiguity sharp enough to cut me open
anew each day I waited
you mentioned showing worthiness
I don’t know what that means anymore

that Self-Doubt now awakens
tearing at the quality of my attention
the frequency of my praise
my lack of daily texts
it growls into my soul that I did too little
that I ran out of time to discover
it taunts me
saying I spoke my yearning too soon

now my heart is ensnared
in this Unmanifested Adoration
where you are there
where my sad eyes wander longingly
over to your bright puppy dog disposition
and look down
to avoid destroying this small rhythm I have built
in a community that now
belongs to Us both

You see composed
bright
engaged
quickly beloved
graceful and gracious
peaceful
deliberate

Inside, though
I am shattered.